Thinner
So. Just over two years ago (ish), I weighed probably around 290 pounds. I say probably because at that point in time, I blatantly refused to weigh myself, because I knew, I KNEW the number would upset me. The last time I had known my weight was at least Spring 2014 during a doctor's visit. I knew then it was around 275, but I also knew I had gotten bigger since. I wore a size 40 pant, XXL shirts (that were slowly getting even tighter). My weight was a problem.
This morning I weighed myself. 184 pounds. 32 waist. Medium shirts are a little baggy.
See, these aren't numbers I'm exactly celebrating. Why? Because just over five weeks ago I weighed 197. I've lost 13 pounds too fast and it's causing me as much, if not more, anxiety than gaining weight.
In August I started personal training because I felt like I had plateaued in my fitness journey and sincerely wanted to learn how to add strength training to my already solid running program. After an informal Facebook poll, many suggested the smartest route would be to work one on one with a professional to learn proper form, and I couldn't have agreed more. So I hired a trainer, making clear that my journey was about ADDING strength, not weight loss. They said they provided diet coaching in addition to the strength, but after my consult, I was assured that I was already eating fairly well, but they'd help me tweak.
So you can imagine my surprise when, two weeks later, they put me on a strict 2,000 calorie a day program. I questioned it immediately: I'm 6'6" and am exercising 6 days a week. That didn't seem like enough! I was assured, by my trainer who has a master's in nutrition, that it was right. Just give it a go, work with the program.
I can tell you that I have been as dedicated as ANYONE could be. I've kept to the diet, I've never missed a workout.
But the problem is, I'm miserable.
I miserable because I feel weak, tired, hungry, and above all, too thin. I'm miserable because food has become an enemy, an obsession. I miserable because when I work out, I don't feel like I've any resources to draw from and it's only through sheer determination that I can finish. I'm miserable because I'm tired of people telling me I'm TOO thin now, after years of being too fat went politely ignored.
This pendulum swing is causing me more stress and anxiety than I wanted. I'm paying all of this money to a trainer to feel stronger, and I've honestly never felt weaker.
After several outside consults, it's clear they've put me on a crash diet and it's aptly named because crashing is what I feel like is happening. Even though, after nearly puking in the gym on Monday, my trainer upped my caloric intake to 2,300 calories, that's still potentially 600 calories behind a MAINTENANCE level.
I've not been honest with myself about these feelings, because I felt like if I indulged them, I was being a whiny quitter. That if I couldn't trust my trainer and trust that I was on a good journey, then I couldn't cut it. But it's clear to me that this all has pushed me into the danger zone with food, going from one extreme in life (like my old habits of eating an insane amount of food a few years ago) to another (feeling restrictive and trapped by food).
I'm really, REALLY grateful to have a therapist who has been monitoring this with me from the beginning and is helping climb out of this unexpected rut. But the worst feeling is that I'm right back to where I started before all of this, albeit significantly lighter in my bank account. How do I reach my fitness goals in a healthy way? How do I regain a better attitude about food? How in the hell can I eat a cookie again with a maelstrom of guilt?
My actions right now are to have a long conversation with the trainer and her boss about this. I think it's important for them to hear that my goals have been distorted and I'm now in a position of strong anxiety instead of empowerment. They need to be reminded that I started this whole thing for strength, not to become a twig. If they can't support me that way, then it's clear I've got to move on and try something else.
In the meantime, I'm again reminded of something I'm told often: be kinder to yourself, Eric. I think because all of this happened too fast, too quickly, I've been caught off guard and unprepared to tackle this new, and highly unexpected challenge. Never, EVER in my life would I have thought I'd be in a position of being too skinny: for some of you reading this you'd think it'd be a dream come true! I know fatter Eric would have LOVED that problem.
So, just to recap: I AM going to handle this with my trainer, my therapist is ON THE CASE and is working to get me a medical referral to work with a nutritionist, and I AM being as honest with myself as I can.
Huh. I got this far and I have no good conclusion. It's probably because I'm writing this just an hour after pouring out my soul in therapy and I'm not much closer to solving this problem. I just wanted to write this all out, hear my thoughts and get myself organized for the next step. So...yeah. You all enjoy your Thursday and uh...godspeed. lol.
This morning I weighed myself. 184 pounds. 32 waist. Medium shirts are a little baggy.
See, these aren't numbers I'm exactly celebrating. Why? Because just over five weeks ago I weighed 197. I've lost 13 pounds too fast and it's causing me as much, if not more, anxiety than gaining weight.
In August I started personal training because I felt like I had plateaued in my fitness journey and sincerely wanted to learn how to add strength training to my already solid running program. After an informal Facebook poll, many suggested the smartest route would be to work one on one with a professional to learn proper form, and I couldn't have agreed more. So I hired a trainer, making clear that my journey was about ADDING strength, not weight loss. They said they provided diet coaching in addition to the strength, but after my consult, I was assured that I was already eating fairly well, but they'd help me tweak.
So you can imagine my surprise when, two weeks later, they put me on a strict 2,000 calorie a day program. I questioned it immediately: I'm 6'6" and am exercising 6 days a week. That didn't seem like enough! I was assured, by my trainer who has a master's in nutrition, that it was right. Just give it a go, work with the program.
I can tell you that I have been as dedicated as ANYONE could be. I've kept to the diet, I've never missed a workout.
But the problem is, I'm miserable.
I miserable because I feel weak, tired, hungry, and above all, too thin. I'm miserable because food has become an enemy, an obsession. I miserable because when I work out, I don't feel like I've any resources to draw from and it's only through sheer determination that I can finish. I'm miserable because I'm tired of people telling me I'm TOO thin now, after years of being too fat went politely ignored.
This pendulum swing is causing me more stress and anxiety than I wanted. I'm paying all of this money to a trainer to feel stronger, and I've honestly never felt weaker.
After several outside consults, it's clear they've put me on a crash diet and it's aptly named because crashing is what I feel like is happening. Even though, after nearly puking in the gym on Monday, my trainer upped my caloric intake to 2,300 calories, that's still potentially 600 calories behind a MAINTENANCE level.
I've not been honest with myself about these feelings, because I felt like if I indulged them, I was being a whiny quitter. That if I couldn't trust my trainer and trust that I was on a good journey, then I couldn't cut it. But it's clear to me that this all has pushed me into the danger zone with food, going from one extreme in life (like my old habits of eating an insane amount of food a few years ago) to another (feeling restrictive and trapped by food).
I'm really, REALLY grateful to have a therapist who has been monitoring this with me from the beginning and is helping climb out of this unexpected rut. But the worst feeling is that I'm right back to where I started before all of this, albeit significantly lighter in my bank account. How do I reach my fitness goals in a healthy way? How do I regain a better attitude about food? How in the hell can I eat a cookie again with a maelstrom of guilt?
My actions right now are to have a long conversation with the trainer and her boss about this. I think it's important for them to hear that my goals have been distorted and I'm now in a position of strong anxiety instead of empowerment. They need to be reminded that I started this whole thing for strength, not to become a twig. If they can't support me that way, then it's clear I've got to move on and try something else.
In the meantime, I'm again reminded of something I'm told often: be kinder to yourself, Eric. I think because all of this happened too fast, too quickly, I've been caught off guard and unprepared to tackle this new, and highly unexpected challenge. Never, EVER in my life would I have thought I'd be in a position of being too skinny: for some of you reading this you'd think it'd be a dream come true! I know fatter Eric would have LOVED that problem.
So, just to recap: I AM going to handle this with my trainer, my therapist is ON THE CASE and is working to get me a medical referral to work with a nutritionist, and I AM being as honest with myself as I can.
Huh. I got this far and I have no good conclusion. It's probably because I'm writing this just an hour after pouring out my soul in therapy and I'm not much closer to solving this problem. I just wanted to write this all out, hear my thoughts and get myself organized for the next step. So...yeah. You all enjoy your Thursday and uh...godspeed. lol.
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