Aware
So. One of the things I was most looking forward to about doing therapy was the idea that I'd be working to surpass all of the negative emotions that intrude on an otherwise happy life. After all finding the truth to yourself, regularly spilling your guts to a mental health professional, you'd be on track to lead a problem-free existence.
I think you know where this is heading and I shan't be coy or pithy about it. Going to therapy doesn't at all erase negative emotions.
I mean there are times when talking things out with my therapist, or even puzzling them out publicly here, gives a relief to the building pressure of a backlog of unexpressed anxiety. Many weeks I find myself anticipating therapy like a shopping trip to the mall in which I have actual money to spend. I'll daydream that I'm in session as a means to plan out the profound philosophies I intend to share that week and by doing so, I can make myself feel better. In other words, therapy has been a means to get through the tough moments because I know there's a dedicated time in my week in which I get to express whatever is going on.
So in that sense, therapy can alleviate negative emotions, not erase them.
But as I've sat around tonight enjoying an evening off, I felt the inevitable creeping of intrusive thoughts surfacing, leading into a wave of low-grade melancholy. No matter how much I process in session today or any other day, I will still experience this extremely normal human tendency to get down, even though it pisses me off every time it happens.
The flip side to this hypothesis is the real productive tools therapy provides. While therapy cannot provide the means to forever evade negative feelings, it does enable you to practice objectivity to allow you to step away from negative feelings and examine their causes.
This examination in and of itself doesn't always make you feel better, but it does something else critical: it removes the mystery behind the blues and targets your focus away from self-degredading thoughts. It's easy to start shame spiraling when you're low: I'm not good enough, I screwed this thing up, I've failed. But in the practice of interrupting intrusive thoughts, the truth of your emotions can surface.
Tonight as the blues crept in, I came to a rather simple realization: I'm tired. I've actually never put this together before, except in the past few months, but my mood is easily tied to my sleep patterns. When I don't sleep, I get depressed. Life goes in slow motion, I can't process thoughts as easily, and my sensitivity to the world increases exponentially. The more tired I am, the less negativity rolls off and the easier it becomes for me to have an anxiety episode.
The other thing getting me down, as predicted, is the process of dating again. I really did mean what I said in the last post that my heart isn't in it and I don't currently talk to anyone on Tinder (still swiping though!). With that one guy I'd been talking too, he petered out over the course of the week, and doesn't seem interested anymore. If I had been truly prepared to undertake dating again, a guy (whom I've never met) slowly ghosting should be no issue. There's no mutual investment, so what's the big deal? Although it's not ruining my life or anything, it greatly increases my anxiety, a high level of anxiety, in waiting for him to text me back over long stretches of time because why else should you make someone wait to respond to this nice thing you just said to them unless you just don't want to talk to them so why bother just say you're out and be done, dammit (deep breath!). Because I recognize this anxiety in myself, I need to stop. I should just delete his number and put the whole thing out of my mind.
And since we're talking, just between us, I got another unexpected text this week from...him. Yep: out the blue, no explanation, just texted. It was remarkably brief and stopped short of being an actual conversation because after three texts, the last of which being mine to which he didn't respond, I've not heard anything. Again, I probably should just block his number and never entertain the idea of talking to him again.
I need to become the guy who is confident enough to put himself first, and these two examples prove that I'm not there just yet. Mulling over this, over and over and over and over, this is what's also getting me down in addition to needing some solid sleep. My ex reminds me constantly that I've grown leaps and bounds since our divorce, but being the overachiever that I am, I'm not doing anything fast enough for my taste.
But slow nights like tonight when I feel low, I will use this time to take stock of what is working, what I am doing right, and indulge in the best parts of my life. What I think I'm trying to say is that you can't appreciate the highs of your life if you don't take the time to deflate every now and then. I always want to rush this step and I've done so too often to my own detriment. So tonight I'm going to bed early(ish), I will not wish away my sadness, and instead I will take this moment to appreciate the good while acknowledging the negative.
The real job is just to keep the bad in check and not allow it to spread into areas of your spirit where it doesn't belong. Because even if you're feeling low, you can't forget that you are still more than worthy.
And that's what therapy has taught me.
I think you know where this is heading and I shan't be coy or pithy about it. Going to therapy doesn't at all erase negative emotions.
I mean there are times when talking things out with my therapist, or even puzzling them out publicly here, gives a relief to the building pressure of a backlog of unexpressed anxiety. Many weeks I find myself anticipating therapy like a shopping trip to the mall in which I have actual money to spend. I'll daydream that I'm in session as a means to plan out the profound philosophies I intend to share that week and by doing so, I can make myself feel better. In other words, therapy has been a means to get through the tough moments because I know there's a dedicated time in my week in which I get to express whatever is going on.
So in that sense, therapy can alleviate negative emotions, not erase them.
But as I've sat around tonight enjoying an evening off, I felt the inevitable creeping of intrusive thoughts surfacing, leading into a wave of low-grade melancholy. No matter how much I process in session today or any other day, I will still experience this extremely normal human tendency to get down, even though it pisses me off every time it happens.
The flip side to this hypothesis is the real productive tools therapy provides. While therapy cannot provide the means to forever evade negative feelings, it does enable you to practice objectivity to allow you to step away from negative feelings and examine their causes.
This examination in and of itself doesn't always make you feel better, but it does something else critical: it removes the mystery behind the blues and targets your focus away from self-degredading thoughts. It's easy to start shame spiraling when you're low: I'm not good enough, I screwed this thing up, I've failed. But in the practice of interrupting intrusive thoughts, the truth of your emotions can surface.
Tonight as the blues crept in, I came to a rather simple realization: I'm tired. I've actually never put this together before, except in the past few months, but my mood is easily tied to my sleep patterns. When I don't sleep, I get depressed. Life goes in slow motion, I can't process thoughts as easily, and my sensitivity to the world increases exponentially. The more tired I am, the less negativity rolls off and the easier it becomes for me to have an anxiety episode.
The other thing getting me down, as predicted, is the process of dating again. I really did mean what I said in the last post that my heart isn't in it and I don't currently talk to anyone on Tinder (still swiping though!). With that one guy I'd been talking too, he petered out over the course of the week, and doesn't seem interested anymore. If I had been truly prepared to undertake dating again, a guy (whom I've never met) slowly ghosting should be no issue. There's no mutual investment, so what's the big deal? Although it's not ruining my life or anything, it greatly increases my anxiety, a high level of anxiety, in waiting for him to text me back over long stretches of time because why else should you make someone wait to respond to this nice thing you just said to them unless you just don't want to talk to them so why bother just say you're out and be done, dammit (deep breath!). Because I recognize this anxiety in myself, I need to stop. I should just delete his number and put the whole thing out of my mind.
And since we're talking, just between us, I got another unexpected text this week from...him. Yep: out the blue, no explanation, just texted. It was remarkably brief and stopped short of being an actual conversation because after three texts, the last of which being mine to which he didn't respond, I've not heard anything. Again, I probably should just block his number and never entertain the idea of talking to him again.
I need to become the guy who is confident enough to put himself first, and these two examples prove that I'm not there just yet. Mulling over this, over and over and over and over, this is what's also getting me down in addition to needing some solid sleep. My ex reminds me constantly that I've grown leaps and bounds since our divorce, but being the overachiever that I am, I'm not doing anything fast enough for my taste.
But slow nights like tonight when I feel low, I will use this time to take stock of what is working, what I am doing right, and indulge in the best parts of my life. What I think I'm trying to say is that you can't appreciate the highs of your life if you don't take the time to deflate every now and then. I always want to rush this step and I've done so too often to my own detriment. So tonight I'm going to bed early(ish), I will not wish away my sadness, and instead I will take this moment to appreciate the good while acknowledging the negative.
The real job is just to keep the bad in check and not allow it to spread into areas of your spirit where it doesn't belong. Because even if you're feeling low, you can't forget that you are still more than worthy.
And that's what therapy has taught me.
Comments
Post a Comment