Mindful

So.  I used to think that mindfulness was something relegated to the last segment of the Oprah show, you know on those episodes after she clearly had read too much Deepak Chopra.  "Remember your spirit!" was the constant mantra.  So I assumed that when my therapist charged me to be more mindful, I had to invest in a bevy of scented candles and stand near linen curtains gently flapping in from a breeze coming across a sunny meadow.

But as I've now learned, mindfulness is much more akin to a label maker and storage bins from IKEA rather than a sandalwood-induced interpretive dance done to Tibetan mediation bowls.

Mindfulness to me is about correct labeling and storage.  Being mindful means that you stop to recognize precisely what you're feeling or thinking rather than letting it spiral out of control and cause damage.  I wrote about this pretty extensively in my last post.

So why do I bring it up again?  Well, it's because, as was inevitable, I went out on a date yesterday and I am currently being mindful of anxiety inducing, mind-spinning whirlwinds that could easily overwhelm me.  Why would going out on a simply brunch date do this?  Because it went well.  Meeting someone new and going on a really good date is far more problematic than a belly-up flop.  At least in the latter you have a fun story to tell your friends over cosmos in your Sex in the City fantasies.  In the former, you're embarking into the unknown and highly complex world to introducing something new and unpredictable into your already delicate life balance.

Why is this so stressful?  That part has been previously very hard for me to explain, but as I've sat with this since yesterday, I think it's starting to make sense.  So, I'm going to be categorical to parse out and appropriately label my anxiety.

1. To Like or not to Like
Inevitably, we've all experienced that first meet up.  At first you can't be sure of much, but as time marches forward you start to feel that little excitement start to grow that this person is legitimately interesting, attractive, and potentially worthy of your time.  But as your certainty of him is just beginning, so too does the worry of whether he is feeling the same towards you. Nothing feels quite as bad as liking someone more than they like you.  Do they want this?  Will they friend zone you?  Did I step into some bad lighting?

2. Reality Bites
Once the date is over, as you sit and process the experience. Was that, in actuality, a good time?  I know that seems hard to believe, but I know this has happened before.  My excitement over being around someone mildly interesting, who is paying attention to me in flattering ways, has clouded my perception over the entire event.  I've honestly talked myself into liking a date when I really didn't enjoy their company much at all.  The conversation was lame, or he was a bad kisser (not that I do that on all first dates mind you [just most]), he has absolutely no career ambition, or, worse yet, his apartment was foul.  Have I talked myself into liking someone whom, in reality, I don't like at all?

3. Tomorrow and Tomorrow
The final way in which I drive myself crazy is that I become immediately obsessed with determining the next possible time we could go out again.  Sometimes, this happens during the date, even to the degree where I stop enjoying the time I am spending with someone because I need the reassurance that this won't be the last time we see each other.

So, there it is: the three (main, but not exclusive) ways I go nuts when dating.

Being mindful of these triggers within myself, I felt stronger going into yesterday.  I don't want to use the cliche that I had "my eyes open" the whole time, but I do think I had an assuring grip on my expectations.  Using the advice from my therapist, plus some intuition gleaned from episodes of Seinfeld, I decided that I needed some ground rules, some hard-line boundaries that would help me find a limit to my anxiety.  So here's what I did:

1. I took the train.  Why is this good?  Because the date had to have an end time.  There would be no lingering because the last train back to Baltimore was 7 PM and that meant a hard exit.  I couldn't then be anxious about when to leave, whether I was being rude, or, worse, inviting myself to stay longer than he desired.  I made it clear I had to leave by then and it worked out perfectly.  Plus, had the date been sour, I could have left earlier.
2. I waited for him to text me first today (the next day).   I know this seems silly, but it's important for me to own this.  I need to allow space to exist and not fill in the gap immediately because I have too high of an expectation of the other person's communication style.  I would like to report, however, that he did text, unprompted.
3. I've made no overtures to secure the next date, nor will I.  I think this is critical.  If I want to be more assured of his interest, I need to allow him time to plan and then realize those plans.  If he were to never make an offer of another date, then that's a pretty clear sign of his interest.  I also have to manage my expectations about when he should be planning for another date, so as not to create a sense of disappointment if he doesn't meet expectations of which he is ignorant.
4. I am not allowing myself to indulge in fantasy about the future.  Each time I feel my mind wander into a idyllic fantasy about what may be, what the outcome of this could mean, I force myself to stop.  It's not from a point of self-judgement, like I'm not castigating myself for wanting the fantasy, but I'm reminding myself that this is a process that has barely begun.  I'm reminding myself that I barely know this person and that I need to engage who he really is instead of putting his face onto a generic Prince Charming.  To that end- 
5. I will not put his name in my phone nor will I engage him on social media.  Each time he texts, and we've been texting now for two weeks, I just see his phone number.  I use this as a trigger to distance myself from becoming too familiar too quickly.  Seeing his number, not his name, is a simple reminder that this is all just starting.  Same too with FB or Insta: there needs to be distance.  Anything I might learn there I can learn by getting to know him.
6. I won't delete Tinder.  There's no point in removing myself from consideration with anyone else, because again, nothing really yet exists.  I mean, I've not had a match in days, so at this point I'm convinced Tinder is actually malfunctioning.

So far, all of this feels like I'm being appropriately mindful of my dating anxiety by forcing myself to avoid situations and mindsets that have more than proven themselves to be unproductive.  I want to enjoy this part, take my time, and incrementally open the door to someone instead of flinging it wide open from the first moment.

I always have thought that by putting myself completely "out there" when meeting someone whom I liked would be the right way to go.  My expressions of total honesty wouldn't put him in a position of ambiguity and I would facilitate his comfort because my intentions would be crystal clear.  But that's never worked for me yet because two things inevitably happen: either I'm opening myself up to someone who will take advantage of it for his own gain or opening myself up to someone who was never interested to begin with.  More so, I've realized that handing over the whole package at the top leaves nothing to be discovered, which is the entire point of dating!  

But most of all, I am working to be mindful that none of this may work out at all.  I may have had a great date, I may have felt the start of a connection, but that is not a guarantee of anything.  I have to accept it might all go away in a moment, because there is another person involved, and he has as much right to his feelings as I do.

And if it doesn't work out, there is not a goddamn thing wrong with me.  I'll just pick myself up, take stock of what's important, and move right along.

Now the only difficult choice is to decide between burning apple cinnamon or balsam pine tonight.