Bullshit
So. Last week, as I walked to therapy, I knew I was prepared to receive a gold star and continue to solidify my place in the Cognitive Behavior Therapy Hall of Fame™. Why? Because, obviously, I had everything figured out. Writing this blog, for example, helps me process ALL of my anxiety in a structured manner and allows me to objectively examine EVERY issue in my life with skill and ease.
In short, I got this. I'm cured.
In session, after unpacking a few housekeeping therapy-related items, I proudly announced that I was again "on the market" for dating. Why? Because I am SELF AWARE and and ready to practice dating again. I am IN CONTROL and prepared to undertake the emotional turmoil that I WILL NEVER repeat because of my astonishing progress.
My therapist in her own, beautiful, quiet way, took all of this in. And in one word, she summed up her thoughts on my revelation:
BULLSHIT*
*OK, she absolutely never, ever said this word. But you need to allow me a little dramatic license here, people.
It was one of those rare moments when I thought my therapist obviously didn't hear me and all of the fabulous progress I just outlined. But if I've learned one thing about this process, it's to listen when she speaks, even if I'm sure I won't like what she's going to say.
The thing about my therapist, which I have now extrapolated into a general belief of what a good therapist should be, is that she rarely says anything that isn't something I haven't said myself. It might be that she rephrases or readjusts the order in which I've said things, but so often she gently reflects back things I've said instead of quoting an outside authority. Sometimes she does this to show progress, like showing how my responses to different stimuli, positive or negative, have improved. But in this case, she reflected to call me out on my bullshit.
What my therapist expertly reminded me of is that I've been uncomfortable. Spending the past several months in deep self-examination has, quite honestly, sucked. Facing your fears, facing your anxiety: these practices tend to leave you feeling rather down instead of being a peppy reminder of how great life is. I know this is a long-term process to happiness because by staring down the face of anxiety, I can conquer fear. A life ungoverned by needless fear will be a life well-lived indeed.
So instead of me rejoining the dating scene as a sign of progress, she quietly offered that it's simply a means to deflect all of these uncomfortable feelings. Why? Because in my case, attention from guys is a powerful anesthetic. The idea that I am more worthy of a human being because a guy thinks I am attractive or interesting is a primary way in which I falsely validate my sense self-identity.
I, of course, didn't consciously think of any of this when I decided to rejoin Tinder, but now I can't help but own that it's depressingly true. With all of the intense stress of work and with my ex husband's announcement, not to mention my continuing struggle to accept my bachelor status, it's really understandable that I'd backslide and seek out a distraction. All of you know: guys are an AMAZING distraction. It's a way to fill hours of your life by allowing someone else to take the reigns for a short while. It's a way to imagine yourself in a different, happier future outside of a life of watching Great British Baking Show and hoarding cats.
You can imagine this realization was at once profound and deflating.
I've been a little lost as to what I should do since all of this came to a head. Should I delete and retreat or should I embrace and face™? Right now, I've stalled. Although I still check Tinder and do plenty of swiping, I've not been a good conversant with anyone.
UGH, OK, FINE. So I have been totally talking to one guy. I've tried SO HARD to not do it and I'm constantly reminding myself of all of these steps in my journey, but dammit, I enjoy talking to him.
This is where my therapist comes in again. She didn't tell me I had to stop (she's rarely so direct anyway), but she reminded me the important thing in all of this process is my happiness. I'm very good at fooling myself into thinking I'm happy when, in actuality, I'm a nervous wreck. Honestly, if I do start dating someone tomorrow and I am genuinely and unequivocally happy about it, then there is absolutely no problem.
But I am rarely happy dating because of two distinct, yet intertwined issues: expectations and anxiety.
I set all kinds of expectations when it comes to myself and a guy: how I'm supposed to behave (therefore causing me to constantly edit myself), how often we should talk (a lot), how often we should see each other (even more), how many gifts I should give (let's celebrate Wednesday!), and that list goes hella on. Often, I don't even realize that I do this but rather carry around a constant sense of disappointment because either he or I never could possibly meet all of these expectations, which I often fail to realize. Compounding these expectations, I then create so much anxiety about the entire situation because I am so worried he's going to be unhappy with me and leave. So then I get into a doubled-down cycle of upholding his happiness at a higher priority to my own, causing me even more anxiety. Then, I've put so much goddam work into this relationship (probably without him even realizing it) that, even when I can FINALLY recognize my own unhappiness, I'm unwilling to quit because I'm now owed a payoff for all that work.
In short, I'm an exhausting person to date.
So again I have to return to the question of timing. Do I do this actualization work on my own or do I do this work through dating? I either genuinely don't know the right answer or, more likely, know perfectly well the right answer but don't care to recognize the truth.
I think I'm going to leave this here, because it's a lot to consider and I'm a little too tired to make any kind of profound decision. But I will say this: I like this kind of work. It makes me happy to see these realizations manifest. Why? Because I know, even though it sucks at times and makes me feel worse than I might otherwise, I'm doing work that will make my life healthier.
And besides, writing this post is another step towards Cognitive Behavior Therapy Hall of Fame™.
In short, I got this. I'm cured.
In session, after unpacking a few housekeeping therapy-related items, I proudly announced that I was again "on the market" for dating. Why? Because I am SELF AWARE and and ready to practice dating again. I am IN CONTROL and prepared to undertake the emotional turmoil that I WILL NEVER repeat because of my astonishing progress.
My therapist in her own, beautiful, quiet way, took all of this in. And in one word, she summed up her thoughts on my revelation:
BULLSHIT*
*OK, she absolutely never, ever said this word. But you need to allow me a little dramatic license here, people.
It was one of those rare moments when I thought my therapist obviously didn't hear me and all of the fabulous progress I just outlined. But if I've learned one thing about this process, it's to listen when she speaks, even if I'm sure I won't like what she's going to say.
The thing about my therapist, which I have now extrapolated into a general belief of what a good therapist should be, is that she rarely says anything that isn't something I haven't said myself. It might be that she rephrases or readjusts the order in which I've said things, but so often she gently reflects back things I've said instead of quoting an outside authority. Sometimes she does this to show progress, like showing how my responses to different stimuli, positive or negative, have improved. But in this case, she reflected to call me out on my bullshit.
What my therapist expertly reminded me of is that I've been uncomfortable. Spending the past several months in deep self-examination has, quite honestly, sucked. Facing your fears, facing your anxiety: these practices tend to leave you feeling rather down instead of being a peppy reminder of how great life is. I know this is a long-term process to happiness because by staring down the face of anxiety, I can conquer fear. A life ungoverned by needless fear will be a life well-lived indeed.
So instead of me rejoining the dating scene as a sign of progress, she quietly offered that it's simply a means to deflect all of these uncomfortable feelings. Why? Because in my case, attention from guys is a powerful anesthetic. The idea that I am more worthy of a human being because a guy thinks I am attractive or interesting is a primary way in which I falsely validate my sense self-identity.
I, of course, didn't consciously think of any of this when I decided to rejoin Tinder, but now I can't help but own that it's depressingly true. With all of the intense stress of work and with my ex husband's announcement, not to mention my continuing struggle to accept my bachelor status, it's really understandable that I'd backslide and seek out a distraction. All of you know: guys are an AMAZING distraction. It's a way to fill hours of your life by allowing someone else to take the reigns for a short while. It's a way to imagine yourself in a different, happier future outside of a life of watching Great British Baking Show and hoarding cats.
You can imagine this realization was at once profound and deflating.
I've been a little lost as to what I should do since all of this came to a head. Should I delete and retreat or should I embrace and face™? Right now, I've stalled. Although I still check Tinder and do plenty of swiping, I've not been a good conversant with anyone.
UGH, OK, FINE. So I have been totally talking to one guy. I've tried SO HARD to not do it and I'm constantly reminding myself of all of these steps in my journey, but dammit, I enjoy talking to him.
This is where my therapist comes in again. She didn't tell me I had to stop (she's rarely so direct anyway), but she reminded me the important thing in all of this process is my happiness. I'm very good at fooling myself into thinking I'm happy when, in actuality, I'm a nervous wreck. Honestly, if I do start dating someone tomorrow and I am genuinely and unequivocally happy about it, then there is absolutely no problem.
But I am rarely happy dating because of two distinct, yet intertwined issues: expectations and anxiety.
I set all kinds of expectations when it comes to myself and a guy: how I'm supposed to behave (therefore causing me to constantly edit myself), how often we should talk (a lot), how often we should see each other (even more), how many gifts I should give (let's celebrate Wednesday!), and that list goes hella on. Often, I don't even realize that I do this but rather carry around a constant sense of disappointment because either he or I never could possibly meet all of these expectations, which I often fail to realize. Compounding these expectations, I then create so much anxiety about the entire situation because I am so worried he's going to be unhappy with me and leave. So then I get into a doubled-down cycle of upholding his happiness at a higher priority to my own, causing me even more anxiety. Then, I've put so much goddam work into this relationship (probably without him even realizing it) that, even when I can FINALLY recognize my own unhappiness, I'm unwilling to quit because I'm now owed a payoff for all that work.
In short, I'm an exhausting person to date.
So again I have to return to the question of timing. Do I do this actualization work on my own or do I do this work through dating? I either genuinely don't know the right answer or, more likely, know perfectly well the right answer but don't care to recognize the truth.
I think I'm going to leave this here, because it's a lot to consider and I'm a little too tired to make any kind of profound decision. But I will say this: I like this kind of work. It makes me happy to see these realizations manifest. Why? Because I know, even though it sucks at times and makes me feel worse than I might otherwise, I'm doing work that will make my life healthier.
And besides, writing this post is another step towards Cognitive Behavior Therapy Hall of Fame™.
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