Better
So. Several years ago Layne and I were eating at my favorite gastronomical destination these United States have to offer: Cracker Barrel. Don't you dare judge my love of pecan pancakes. Anyway, on this particular visit, already in deep salvation with anticipation of a carbo binge, our waitress came to take our order. Now I have no memory of what was actually said, but I do remember my ex husband fell immediately in love with this woman. Charmed. Enchanted.
Granted, she was very sweet and I liked her too. All I really remember was that she was waitressing to support herself through nursing school. Layne was so impressed that he left a $50 tip on our midday breakfast meal. Turns out she had a flat tire that day coming into work and that $50 helped her a lot.
But I digress.
The point of sharing this story, other than my ex husband is a generous tipper, is that this particular waitress had a motto: Choose Happy. She stressed that no one should worry or be particularly upset when life hands you a bum deal, you just choose to be happy and all will work itself out. Layne was an immediate convert. I thought it was horse shit.
See, I will never believe that emotions can be flipped in an instant by simply making another choice. Sometimes, things suck. Sometimes, things hurt. Sometimes, there is no choice but to experience the pain of life. I couldn't fathom why anyone would think that happiness is a choice: happiness, to me, is more akin to a series of fortunate events. Happiness happens much like the wind blows: unpredictable and uncontrollable.
But, I was wrong.
OK, I wasn't wholly wrong because I still don't believe you can flip an emotion like a delicious, sweet, and slightly salty pecan pancake after it's properly browned in a pool of melted butter. This is choosing happy on a micro level: utter nonsense. Sometimes you get punched in the gut and no amount of choice will make that stop hurting until it's good and goddamn ready.
Choosing happiness is a macro event. Choosing happiness is a long game (sportsball!). Choosing happiness is a goal, not a destination. See, when I looked at my life today, after allowing myself to plunge into a raw and visceral place last night, I began to slowly piece together that I don't want to be angry, hurt, or worried anymore. I want happiness and, more importantly, it's something I can work to achieve.
So today I had three great phone calls with three amazing humans whom I love. Each, in their own way, reminded me of my worth and of the light in myself I hadn't seen in awhile. I ran four miles. I got a haircut and had an amazing conversation with my stylist about relationships (girlfriend is WISE). I bought myself a new shirt to wear out with friends so we could eat dinner and see a show together.
Today was an exercise in choosing happiness. I could have easily stayed away from the gym, stayed off the phone, cancelled my dinner and tickets, not showered, and ate cans of prepared icing while the police knocked down my door due to the overwhelming number of cats I had adopted overnight. I didn't do any of those things: I chose activities to return to the path of my happiness.
I think it's easy to think you'll never be happy again when the sadness grips you tightly, just like it's easy to think you'll never love again after the ending of a relationship. But, in the end, there are choices, however small, that you must make to return back to a happier path. There is no single thing, single choice, single motion that will close the gap between full happiness and total despair. I have to be reminded, though, that even if doing something won't be healing in and of itself, it doesn't mean it's not worthwhile.
One healing choice leads to another healing choice. One smile leads to laughter. One jump turns to a leap. One hug turns to a kiss.
After a hard few weeks, for some reason I don't still quite understand, I see happiness ahead today. So, I'm going to choose to follow it. And if for some reason it doesn't stick, I will choose to find my way back.
Excuse me while I go make pancakes.
Granted, she was very sweet and I liked her too. All I really remember was that she was waitressing to support herself through nursing school. Layne was so impressed that he left a $50 tip on our midday breakfast meal. Turns out she had a flat tire that day coming into work and that $50 helped her a lot.
But I digress.
The point of sharing this story, other than my ex husband is a generous tipper, is that this particular waitress had a motto: Choose Happy. She stressed that no one should worry or be particularly upset when life hands you a bum deal, you just choose to be happy and all will work itself out. Layne was an immediate convert. I thought it was horse shit.
See, I will never believe that emotions can be flipped in an instant by simply making another choice. Sometimes, things suck. Sometimes, things hurt. Sometimes, there is no choice but to experience the pain of life. I couldn't fathom why anyone would think that happiness is a choice: happiness, to me, is more akin to a series of fortunate events. Happiness happens much like the wind blows: unpredictable and uncontrollable.
But, I was wrong.
OK, I wasn't wholly wrong because I still don't believe you can flip an emotion like a delicious, sweet, and slightly salty pecan pancake after it's properly browned in a pool of melted butter. This is choosing happy on a micro level: utter nonsense. Sometimes you get punched in the gut and no amount of choice will make that stop hurting until it's good and goddamn ready.
Choosing happiness is a macro event. Choosing happiness is a long game (sportsball!). Choosing happiness is a goal, not a destination. See, when I looked at my life today, after allowing myself to plunge into a raw and visceral place last night, I began to slowly piece together that I don't want to be angry, hurt, or worried anymore. I want happiness and, more importantly, it's something I can work to achieve.
So today I had three great phone calls with three amazing humans whom I love. Each, in their own way, reminded me of my worth and of the light in myself I hadn't seen in awhile. I ran four miles. I got a haircut and had an amazing conversation with my stylist about relationships (girlfriend is WISE). I bought myself a new shirt to wear out with friends so we could eat dinner and see a show together.
Today was an exercise in choosing happiness. I could have easily stayed away from the gym, stayed off the phone, cancelled my dinner and tickets, not showered, and ate cans of prepared icing while the police knocked down my door due to the overwhelming number of cats I had adopted overnight. I didn't do any of those things: I chose activities to return to the path of my happiness.
I think it's easy to think you'll never be happy again when the sadness grips you tightly, just like it's easy to think you'll never love again after the ending of a relationship. But, in the end, there are choices, however small, that you must make to return back to a happier path. There is no single thing, single choice, single motion that will close the gap between full happiness and total despair. I have to be reminded, though, that even if doing something won't be healing in and of itself, it doesn't mean it's not worthwhile.
One healing choice leads to another healing choice. One smile leads to laughter. One jump turns to a leap. One hug turns to a kiss.
After a hard few weeks, for some reason I don't still quite understand, I see happiness ahead today. So, I'm going to choose to follow it. And if for some reason it doesn't stick, I will choose to find my way back.
Excuse me while I go make pancakes.
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